Tuesday, May 17, 2016

A Life Less Slapstick

Do you ever have those moments in which you can see your current situation as a sitcom? This has been happening to me often lately. I'll be going about some mundane task, and events will unfold as if it were an episode of I Love Lucy.

I was making coffee at work the other day, and already that sounds like the beginning of a story I never imagined I would tell because it means that I find myself in an office. Making coffee. For other people. In one of those commercial Bunn drip machines. Wait, I work in an office? With people? I'm not sure they thought it through when they hired me.

Anyhoo, making coffee requires several specific steps.
1. Get the tall airpot from the beverage counter, carry it to the tiny staff kitchen, and empty it of yesterday's dregs.
2. Get the large plastic pitcher with the Sharpie lines on the side that demarcate the correct amount of water for a full pot or half pot and fill it with water.
3. Carry the empty airpot and the pitcher full of water back to the beverage counter.
4. Place the open airpot under the filter basket.
5. Put a fresh filter and the appropriate amount of coffee into the basket and slide the basket into place on the machine.
6. Climb up onto a step stool (because I'm too short for any of this), remove the lid from the water pan, and pour the water from the pitcher into the screened opening.
7. As coffee begins to pour through from the basket, check to make sure airpot is aligned directly under the stream.
8. Once the coffee has stopped dripping, remove the airpot from under the basket, pop the pump into place, and press the lid closed until it snaps shut.
9. Remove basket from machine and empty used grounds and filter.

Optional Step #8: Once the coffee has stopped dripping, attempt to move airpot but inadvertently catch drippy lower part of basket on open airpot top. Pull airpot and basket, full of hot coffee grounds, down onto self, counter, floor, and open cupboard door. Commence virulent swearing. Remember am at work, with people, none of whom happen to be in yet, so keep swearing. Frantically wield huge, industrial roll of paper towels. Realize trying to clean up wet coffee grounds out of carpet without a Shop-Vac is madness. Desperately grab hand broom and attempt to sweep up grounds. Succeed in spreading grounds over larger area. Do best to clean up mess everywhere else, hoping fugly dark carpet will tell no tales. Look at self. Need wardrobe reconstruction. Go look in gym bag. Find only shirt and shoes, as apparently forgot to pack pants. Recommence swearing. End up spending day in work blouse and coffee-stained sweatpants.

I'm a winner!    

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